The Demon Inside

Living with an anxiety disorder is a disease, but because it’s psychological, it’s hard to pinpoint where it’s coming from physiologically.  You exhibit signs of many maladies, all at once.  This only contributes to the feeling of being out of control.

I realize my disease is not like others- more physical diseases that are crippling, that will eventually led to bad things.  I know I have been blessed, so please don’t misunderstand me.

I’d just love for those without an anxiety disorder to understand how debilitating it can be.  We don’t choose to feel this way.  If you truly have this condition- just like true depression- you don’t want it.

It doesn’t bring you attention.  It doesn’t give you a sense of importance.

It makes you feel vulnerable, alone.  So alone.  It makes you feel like there’s something wrong with you that you should be able to fix, on your own, without any outside help.

“Just get over it.”

“Just stop thinking that way.”

Believe me- I would if I could.

I hate feeling a constant level of anxiety, and there’s nothing that I can find that is the cause.  If I could find a cause, the idea would be that I could fix the problem and alleviate symptoms.

This is not the case.  Even if there are events that contribute to the overall feeling of anxiety, it never quite “cures” the root of the problem, which is somewhere deep in my psyche.

And every year seems to get worse.  More wisdom, more things to worry about.

I’m truly just venting here, which I feel a blog is good for.  I hope I can help someone else feel not so lonely in this disease.

I will end with this quote from Buddha:

Wouldn’t it be great to be reborn every day?  To make it something new and exciting…without the disease and demons?


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